* 1. Buy yourself some fun-size chocolate bars. It's Halloween and they're everywhere. Chocolate makes many, many people happy. You want to keep your immune system super happy during flu season, don't you? Sure you do. I recommend a 12 pack of Crispy Crunch (go on, they're tiny) but whatever the twelve pack of your choice is will work just as well.
* 2. From now until when the swine flu epidemic is over, only hang out with superheroes. With their superhuman immune systems you won't have to worry about them passing on germs to you. Unfortunately, this option didn't work out so well for me as one of the superheroes I was hanging out with was The Torch and there's now been some fire damage to my apartment. The Hulk was here at the time and got angry on my behalf and inadvertently destroyed my bathroom. Thank God Wonder Woman and Batman dropped by and helped get things back under control! But I have to say, it was annoying the way Batman kept staring out my window, searching the sky. I mean, hello, are we hanging out or do you have something better to do? Make up your mind, why don't you! Anyway, just be cautious about which superheroes you choose to spend your time with.
* 3. Get yourself down to your local Blockbuster Video while their current 30% off sale is on and treat yourself to a previously used copy of Wii game Escape From Bug island for a grand total of $6.88 (price may vary according to your regional taxes). Yes, it's a very early Wii game and kind of wooden and cheesy but you get to battle giant praying mantises, moths etc. Adrenaline, baby, it's good for you. What more could you want for $6.88?
* 5. Watch The Trailer Park Boys: Countdown to Liquor Day. For the endorphins, which recent studies show enhance the immune system, relieve pain, reduce stress and increase well-being. It's impossible to watch this movie with a straight face—from Randy's markered head to the boys' home made security office uniforms when they try to rob a bank, the final TPB offering is a laugh riot. For increased flu-fighting potential eat a donut or several fun-size chocolate bars during your viewing.
*7. Customize your dart board by covering it with Prime Minister Stephen Harper's face. The space between his eyes should serve as the bull's eye, of course. Again for the endorphins. We really want to keep that immune system bolstered!
* 9. If you're a writer, spend your time inside your abode staring lovingly at your newest book instead of going out into the world where swine flu lurks everywhere. If you're in the middle of penning a new novel, you can just gaze loving at that on your laptop screen. If you're not a writer but are an avid reader, stare at your own favourite book(s) and/or reread them. If you don't enjoy reading quite possibly you already have H1N1—I mean, clearly something's wrong with you, how can you not enjoy reading!
* 10. If you absolutely must leave the house to pick up supplies (like the Escape from Bug Island game and Tim Hortons donuts) Buy yourself a Stephen Harper mask this Halloween. People will stay away from you in droves (and therefore, so will the H1N1 germs), especially if you offer to sing Beatles tunes for them. Of course this only works within Canada. Outside our borders limited knowledge about our nation will render this defense useless. Also, in certain ridings, particularly those with a decidedly leftwing bent, people may feel compelled to throw rotting fruit and other assorted items at you but don't worry, they still won't want to get close and will be tossing from a distance, leaving you untainted by the swine flu microbe. In the United States, a possible substitute option is a Sarah Palin mask.